The death of a loved one is a traumatic and pivotal experience, and it is only normal that children will cope in different ways. A child’s age, how close they were to the person who died, and the support they receive, are all factors as to how a child will carry on.
Parents or guardians can do a few things to ease this loss, helping a child not only cope with the loss, but easing the transition to living a daily life without the loved one.
Breaking the news. A child should be told immediately that somebody has died. Hearing adults whisper or worse, hearing the news from somebody else, can be very disconcerting. When talking to your child about death, use simple and clear words, approaching them in a caring fashion. Begin by saying “I have some very sad news to tell you. Grandpa died today.” Do not use euphemisms as a child doesn’t understand them(“Passed away” or “Gone to sleep”).
Listen. Now is the time to listen. Children will react different to the news that a loved one has died. While some kids will cry, others will ask questions, and others may not seem to react at all. All of this is normal. Stay with your child, offer hugs, reassurance, and listen without interrupting.
Feelings into words. Encourage your children to talk about what they're feeling in the days, weeks, and months following the death. Talk about your own feelings but use caution. For example, if a grandparent has died, but you may not have had a good relationship with her, avoid saying anything negative about the deceased. It is best to say something like “I know you're feeling very sad today about Grandma. I know you loved her and I did too. “
What to expect now that the person has died. If the deceased has been a normal part of a child’s daily routine, explain to them how they will move on. For example, “Uncle Bill will pick you up from soccer like Grandma used to.” Or, if you need to leave your child for a couple days to assist others in the transition explain, “I need to stay with Aunt Patty for a few days. This means you and your sister will be at home with Dad till Friday. I’ll call you every day , and I’ll be back by Monday.”
What to expect from the funeral. Let them know that there will be crying and people will be sad. Explain about an open casket. Be matter of fact. Let them know that attending a funeral is their choice. Do not push them. Funerals are good for closure, but again it is up to your child if they should attend.
Keep in mind that even the most well behaved children will get upset at a funeral. If you decide a funeral may be too intense for your child, there are other ways to say goodbye to a loved one. Planting a tree, releasing balloons on a gorgeous day, or displaying a potted plant are all ways to honor the loved one's life.
Repeated Questions. Know that repeated questions, whether when you inform a child or in the coming weeks or months, are normal. Repeated questions are not really for factual information about the death as they are for reassurance that the story hasn’t changed.
Discussing an afterlife. If you are religious and have beliefs about an afterlife, then by all means discuss it. If you are not religious, you can explain to a child that a loved one lives on in our heart and in our daily activities.
By explaining in simple terms, giving your child a role, and explaining information beforehand, your child has control over these traumatic events. If a child feels in control and involved, their loss will be greatly eased.
The Adolf Family provides the service expertise, guidance, and understanding that is needed during one of the most difficult and emotional times in an individual’s life. For more information please visit us Adolf Funeral Home & Cremation Services .
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